opinion
Ben Harvey: Did you hear the one about the brothel madam with no teeth?

Did you hear the one about the brothel madam with no teeth? (Cue obvious X-rated sex gag). No? How about the one about the brothel madam who bakes a mean scone? (Cue less obvious gag about self-raising flour). Or the one about the brothel madam who has one of Australia’s great collections of cricket memorabilia? (Cue thoroughly lame gag about bouncers). I like to think that most readers of this column are drawing blanks because they appreciate humour of only the highest brow, but I could be misjudging my audience. (Ed’s note: You’re more Rodney Rude than Oscar Wilde, Harvey) The brothel madam in question is Mary-Anne Kenworthy, the owner of a host of sex businesses across Australia, of which Langtrees is the best known. If the walls of that sprawling property in Burswood could talk, they’d surely blush while speaking. Ms Kenworthy estimates that over the past four decades people have got their rocks off about one million times at Langtrees. That’s a lot of moaning and groaning. “That doesn’t mean one million people, because we have a lot of repeat customers,” Ms Kenworthy clarified (with pride) when we spoke last week. My family will be pleased to know that our chat was professional rather than personal; Ms Kenworthy is hosting an open day at her brothel and asked whether I might let readers know about it. Being the community-minded bloke that I am, I agreed. So, should you find yourself twiddling your thumbs next Sunday and are interested in seeing how to twiddle other things, you can pop down to Langtrees and see what all the fuss is about. “I’m going to be baking scones, which I do especially well, and visitors can enjoy one of those with some jam and cream and a cup of tea or coffee,” Ms Kenworthy said. “The Langtrees high tea starts at 1pm and goes until 3.30pm. You can come in and have a look around and satisfy your curiosity. It’s not what you think it is. “I can only have 100 people in the building at any one time, so we will be limiting the tour to 15 minutes per group.” she said. “I’ll have about 20 tour operators ready to go, a mixture of staff and working girls, and they’ll take you through the rooms in small groups of maybe four or six and explain a bit about how things work.” A free scone and cuppa and personalised tour of one of Australia’s most storied brothel empires? That’s surely going to be a more interesting Sunday afternoon than browsing the chrysanthemums at Waldecks. “When we did tours of the Kalgoorlie brothel we had thousands of people come through and most of them weren’t blokes,” Ms Kenworthy said. “There’s not a woman in the world . . . that doesn’t want to get her nose inside a brothel. “We’ll have awnings and chairs out the front if there’s a queue, but if you’re an old duck, best bring your umbrella because it could be bloody hot.” For those with a particular interest in the, errr, ins and outs of the business, Ms Kenworthy is offering a more exclusive experience. “If people are happy to donate $10 to the RFDS (Royal Flying Doctor Service) — they will need to do it on their phones when they arrive because I’m not interested in having to handle the money — then they can come into the area of the building where I live for a more in-depth and personal discussion,” she said. “There’s a private lounge there which can accommodate 50 or 60 people and you can hear from me and also my sister. Between us we have 52 years’ experience running brothels.” These two women have seen, heard and felt it all, so you can expect some titillating yarns illustrated with equally titillating props. It goes without saying that life in the sex industry is not all Pretty Woman and Ms Kenworthy will no doubt talk about some of the slippery little suckers she has had to deal with over the years. “I’ll be doing all that without my front teeth as well,” she said. I was serious when I wrote the opening sentence of this column — Ms Kenworthy has gum disease. “I’ve smoked all my life and I also practised bad oral hygiene. It’s something I will be warning people about when they come down. “It’s bloody inconvenient because my teeth are my second-most important asset.” The answer to the obvious follow-up question? “My feet.” If there’s any time left over you might get a glimpse of her sports memorabilia (I was serious about the collection of sought-after cricketing keep-sakes, also). “I am probably going to give that all to Hale School, because that’s where my sons went,” she said. “I can’t hold onto it forever, because I’m getting on and another birthday is coming around.” There you go. My first column of the year and it’s about how to get a free feed at a knock shop. Here’s to staying classy in 2025. Oh, and guess how old our brothel queen is going to be this year? Sixty-nine.

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Ben Harvey: Did you hear the one about the brothel madam with no teeth?

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opinion
Ben Harvey: Did you hear the one about the brothel madam with no teeth?