Dad Life with Josh Zimmerman: Back to work after baby, but I’m still kept in the loop about poop

Going back to work after a baby joins the family is rough . . . but it’s not without its perks. For one, there’s all that time you get to spend independent of your baby. The first time I left the home alone after we had Cleo was about five days in, for a trip to buy onesies from Baby Bunting. This is something I would usually accomplish in about 12 seconds. Not this time. Never before has a male found Baby Bunting so interesting. I scanned every inch of every aisle. I test drove half a dozen prams. I only left when I realised all the staff were giving me side-eye and I was being tailed by a security guard. Don’t get me wrong — I count myself extremely lucky to have been in a position to take just over eight weeks of paternity leave. But I distinctly remember, halfway through that period, praying for Scott Morrison to call a snap election so I’d have an excuse to go back to work early. Of course, by the time I did have to go back, Cleo was becoming a lot more fun and it was with genuine sadness that I kissed the cat, the baby and the wife (in that order) goodbye on my first day back in the office. Fortunately, the wonders of modern technology mean I’m never far removed from the action back home. Prior to Cleo, Jade had always worked a full-time job, so our messages to each other throughout the work day were relatively few and far between. Now, I’m kept abreast of daily developments with a steady stream of updates that range from the outrageously cute (Cleo in a sunhat) to the far more mundane, which I tend to leave unread for as long as possible. Example: “You’re banned from touching the sprinkler timer until I can work out if I have set it properly. It was switched off again!” Usually messages like that go unacknowledged until Jade sends another Cleo picture, which she knows I won’t be able to resist opening. She — along with most West Australians — has also cottoned on to the fact that Mark McGowan has made a habit of showing up late to his COVID press conferences. That means the minutes before and immediately after these pressers are scheduled to start — when Jade knows I’m a captive audience — are often filled with a flurry of communication. During one particularly memorable recent press conference, I received this message: “Omg Harley (that’s the cat) just sprinted out and a poo literally flew across the lounge room. And I can’t do anything as I’m soothing grizzly guts with the boob hahaha.” This was accompanied by a picture of said poo, nestled on the carpet precariously close to Cleo’s favourite book, If You Ever Meet a Groovicron. Harley, who is deserving of her own column, has a weird quirk whereby she occasionally eats strands of Jade’s hair, turns them into a rope in her gut and then explodes out of her cat litter towing her turds behind her like a road train. This is wildly entertaining to watch live. It is also wildly distracting to contemplate when you’re trying to concentrate on what the Premier of Western Australia is saying. On this occasion, in response to a question I asked about his decision to push back the border reopening, McGowan replied: “If you don’t think Omicron changed everything from Delta, you’ve got rocks in your head.” After some of his own unfortunate text messages were aired publicly in court this month, I feel like I can finally come clean: Not rocks, Premier, just cat turds. Tip from the trenches: It can be helpful to prepare your pet for the arrival of your baby weeks in advance. Establishing no-go zones in the house and playing audio of baby sounds are two tips we found useful. A silicone finger brush is a simple and hygienic option when your baby sprouts their first teeth. Sticking with the silicone theme, Haakaa silicone breast milk bags are an environmentally friendly option for storing your pumped milk. As a bonus, they’re also super easy to pour and clean.